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Why Your Managers Are Avoiding Difficult Conversations (And What HR Can Do About It)
Your Managers Know They Need to Have the Conversation. So Why Are They Avoiding It?
Have you ever had a manager come to you frustrated about an employee's performance, a conflict on their team, or a conversation they know they need to have but keep putting off? They know something needs to be said. They've probably rehearsed the conversation in their head a dozen times, maybe even asked you for advice on how to approach it. And yet, another week goes by, and the conversation still hasn't happened. Sound familiar?
After nearly 20 years of coaching and training leaders, I've noticed something interesting about the conversations people struggle with most.
Most of the time, they already know what they want to say.
They know they need to address the performance issue, give the feedback, set a boundary, or speak up about something that isn't working.
So why aren't they having the conversation? Honestly, I think sometimes we're asking the wrong question.
It's Not Always About Finding the Right Words
When I'm coaching someone through a difficult conversation, I usually start by asking them to tell me what's going on and what they'd like to communicate. And most of the time, they can tell me. They know what they want the other person to understand. They have a pretty good idea of what needs to change.
So I'll listen for a bit and then ask... What are you worried they're going to say back?
And THAT'S usually where things get interesting.
What if they get defensive?
What if they disagree with me?
What if they get upset or shut down?
What if I say something that makes everything worse?
Suddenly, we're having a very different conversation. Because sometimes it's the other person's response, and the uncertainty of what might happen next, that's keeping them stuck.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could just hand everyone a script before the conversation? Here's what I'm going to say. You'll nod thoughtfully, agree with me, and then we'll both leave feeling great about how that went.
If only! Yet we all know conversations rarely go exactly as planned. And that's why I believe we need to help managers prepare for more than just what they're going to say.
Your Body Has Something to Say About It, Too
Here's another piece of communication that I think we sometimes overlook in leadership development.
What's happening inside us when a conversation feels uncomfortable? Maybe your heart starts racing, your stomach tightens, or your mind starts spinning through all the things that could go wrong. Or you find yourself talking faster, overexplaining, getting defensive, or agreeing to something you didn't intend to agree to.
Our nervous system plays a role in how we communicate, especially when the stakes feel high. And when we feel threatened or uncomfortable, it can become harder to access the very communication skills we know we have.
I've worked with leaders who are incredibly capable, thoughtful, and experienced. They can tell me exactly how they want to handle a situation while we're sitting together. But when they're actually in the conversation, and someone pushes back, everything changes.
That's why learning to recognize what's happening in our bodies, and how to ground ourselves in the moment, is such an important part of communicating with confidence. Because confidence doesn't mean you'll never feel nervous or uncomfortable. It means learning how to stay in the conversation, even when you do.
Knowing How to Communicate and Actually Doing It Are Two Different Things
Think about how much leadership training focuses on teaching people what effective communication looks like. We teach active listening, giving feedback, conflict resolution, and how to have difficult conversations. And those are all important skills. But I want you to think about something. How often do your managers actually get to practice those conversations before they're sitting across from an employee?
I mean really practice. Not just discuss what they should say or read through a few examples. I'm talking about saying the words out loud, hearing someone push back, noticing what happens in their body, and learning how to respond while staying connected to the other person.
Because there's a big difference between understanding a communication skill and being able to use it when it matters most.
Confidence comes from doing the reps.
And the more opportunities leaders have to practice, receive feedback, and try again, the more prepared they can feel when those real-life moments happen.
Something HR Can Try With Managers Right Now
The next time a manager comes to you struggling with a conversation, before jumping into problem-solving mode, try asking... What are you most worried the other person is going to say or do?
Give them a moment to think about it. Then ask... If they do respond that way, how would you like to handle it?
And here's where I'd encourage you to take it one step further. Invite them to practice the conversation with you. You can play the employee and respond with some of the pushback they're worried about. Let them try out their words. Pause when they get stuck. Talk through what happened, and then give them another opportunity to practice. You might be surprised by what comes up.
Sometimes it's the words they're using. Sometimes it's the story they're telling themselves about how the conversation will go. And sometimes they simply need a chance to experience a difficult response and realize they can handle it. That's where so much of the learning happens.
What If We Gave Leaders More Opportunities to Practice Before It Matters Most?
I often remind my clients that we can't control how someone else is going to respond to us. We can prepare, communicate with care, listen, and be intentional about how we show up. And we can practice staying present when things don't go as planned.
Imagine what might shift in your organization if managers felt more confident giving feedback before small issues became bigger problems. Or if they were more willing to speak up, address concerns early, and have the conversations that help build trust within their teams.
That's the kind of leadership development I love bringing into organizations.
Through interactive workshops, real workplace scenarios, role-play, and communication coaching, I help leaders strengthen their voice, build confidence, and practice the conversations that matter most.
Because when the real conversation happens, I want it to feel familiar enough that they can trust themselves to stay in it.
Are your managers getting enough opportunities to practice the conversations you're asking them to have?
If you're seeing this in your organization, I'd love to hear what's coming up for your leaders and explore how I might support your team.
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Hey There!
I'm Darlene
As a mother, wife, connector, and dream builder, I’m Darlene Hawley, the founder of DarleneHawley.com and an Executive Leadership & Businesss Coach dedicated to empowering leaders like you.
My passion lies in helping ambitious professionals cultivate their unique leadership style while crafting an authentic and impactful personal brand. Through my coaching, we’ll work together to build a solid foundation that not only inspires your team but also drives results and growth within your organization.
Since 2007, I have been committed to guiding leaders and entrepreneurs in launching and scaling their businesses with confidence and clarity.
Today, I focus on supporting women in reaching their leadership goals and living their dream lives—all while balancing the joys of raising my family and creating meaningful memories each day.
Together, we’ll transform your challenges into opportunities, allowing you to lead with authenticity and inspire those around you.
