Episode 126: Mastering Difficult Conversations at Work with Darlene Hawley

Why do managers avoid difficult conversations? Learn how HR leaders can build communication confidence through practice, feedback, and preparation.

Learn how pattern interrupters, positive I am statements, and self-coaching questions can help you shift negative thoughts and build confidence.

Learn how to use AI without losing your authentic voice, original thinking, communication skills, and ability to build trust with others.

I pulled up to school pick up, engine on, hands still on the wheel. I knew the conversation I needed to have the second I parked… and if I’m honest, I was already trying to find a way out of it. (As much as I know I need to have them, I still wish I could run from it) I was telling myself, maybe it's not that big of a deal, it will blow over. (Being a highly sensitive empath can be a lot sometimes, IYKYK) I could feel my brain start trying to protect me by talking me out of what actually needs to be said. I leaned back into the seat and pressed my feet into the floor of the car. I took a couple of deep breaths. I could feel my shoulders drop just a little. allowing myself to get back to myself. I told myself.. Of course, this feels uncomfortable. You care about this relationship. You don’t want to hurt anyone or be misunderstood. I sat there for a second and asked myself... What’s part of this story is actually true here, or am I automatically going to the worst-case scenario? Avoiding it wasn’t helping either of us, and I know how long I can reminate on a story i make up that 9 out of 10 times is not the other persons truth. This conversation actually needed to happen, so I determined what I wanted to say, said it out loud a few times to embody it. I picked up my phone. Stared at their name for a second…and hit call. This is why I teach this work, because I need it too. Most people think confidence is what helps you speak up. It’s not. It’s this. The tools I use for myself I love to share with you. Try this the next time you need to have a conversation. The 5C Voice Reset A simple way to move through the exact moment where you want to shut down, overthink, or avoid the conversation altogether. Catch it This is the part that happens so fast you almost miss it. One minute you’re clear on what you want to say, and the next your brain is off running… replaying things, predicting how it might go, or convincing you to just not say anything at all. Catching it just means noticing that shift and gently calling it out. Like, “okay… I’m spiraling a little here” or “wow, I’m really trying to talk myself out of this.” Slowing down and sitting in awareness so it doesn’t take over. Come back Instead of trying to think your way out of it, come back to your body. This can be so simple. Start by taking a deeper breath, stepping outside on the grass and feeling your feet on the ground, rolling your shoulders, and dropping them a little. One of my new favorites is putting the palms of my hands over my eyes and resting my arms on my desk just to close out the world and connect with myself again. Slowing down allows you to remind your body that you’re okay. Connect with yourself This is where most people get hard on themselves. I just want you to talk to yourself. Tell yourself... “Of course this feels uncomfortable.” “Of course I care about how this lands.” “Of course I don’t want to be misunderstood.” Nothing has gone wrong. This is just what it feels like to care about something. There’s something really grounding about giving yourself that kind of understanding in the moment. Choose what’s true Once you relax a little, you can actually see things more clearly. Because when you’re in that heightened awareness state, everything feels big and urgent and personal. This is where I slow it down and ask myself, “okay… what’s actually true right now?” Not the story I’m creating. Not the worst-case scenario. Just the truth. Usually it’s something really simple, like, “this conversation matters” or “avoiding this isn’t helping” or “I don’t need to get it perfect, I just need to be clear.” Communicate And then… take a minute to think about what you want to say, and say it out loud first or jot down a few words so you feel a little more anchored. But the goal isn’t to get it right, even if you don't get it perfect, it’s to stay connected to yourself while saying it. That’s the big difference, and that's when your voice actually sounds like you. Most people try to jump straight to this last step. They rewrite the message. They rehearse it in their head. They wait until they feel more confident. But if your body feels like it’s in a trauma response state, your voice is going to reflect that, no matter how “good” the words are. This gives you a way to move through that moment first. So you’re not sitting there waiting to feel ready… you know how to come back to yourself and then speak from that place. That’s exactly what we work on inside my Activate Your Thought Leadership half-day training. A safe space to practice what to do in these moments. When your brain starts spinning, your voice gets shaky, or you’re about to hold back on something that actually matters. Getting comfortable speaking up and hearing yourself speak your truth so you can embody your message confidently. Allowing yourself to fully trust yourself in the room, on the call, and on the stage. If you’ve been feeling like you have something to say but you’re not fully saying it yet… This is your next step. Learn more... Activate Your Thought Leadership Direct Sign Up Link

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